I just got through reading Dr. Laurel Shaler’s new book (released on February 5th, 2019), Relational Reset: Unlearning the Habits That Hold You Back. And it is absolutely WONDERFUL! She has done an amazing job of clearly articulating a number of exceedingly difficult concepts and issues connected to our relationships — romantic, friendship, or otherwise.
On the back cover of her book it says the following: “As a Christian counselor, Dr. Laurel Shaler has observed 11 common blind spots that sabotage otherwise healthy friendships, work relationships, and marriages. That’s why she wrote Relational Reset to help you:
- identify what’s holding your relationship back
- break bad habits that hurt you and others
- create new habits that build healthy bonds”
Even though Dr. Shaler’s primary target audience is women, let me just say that, as a man, I definitely got a lot out of it from a basic how-to-have-healthy-relationships perspective. Therefore, I’ve invited Laurel for an interview on my blog, because I think she has a lot of good things to say, things we can all benefit from hearing.
But before I get ahead of myself, let me give you a brief biographical introduction to my special guest, Dr. Laurel Shaler.
Dr. Laurel Shaler, Author and Counselor
Dr. Laurel Shaler is a national certified counselor and licensed social worker. She is an associate professor at Liberty University, where she serves as the Director of the Master of Arts in Professional Counseling program. Dr. Shaler writes and speaks on the intersection of faith, culture, and emotional well-being and is also the author of Reclaiming Sanity: Hope and Healing for Trauma, Stress, and Overwhelming Life Events. She and her husband, an officer in the Navy Reserves, have one daughter and live in South Carolina.
Now on to our eye-opening interview . . . (*Laurel’s responses are in boldface.)
Laurel, thank you so very much to agreeing on such short notice to take the time for an interview. I truly love your approachable writing style and find it to be so very practical and biblically-based. But, I am curious to find out what is was that inspired you to write Relational Reset? And what chapters were the most challenging for you to write from a personal level, and why?
I have wanted to write a book on relationships for a long time. It started many years ago centered on friendships, but the Lord kept expanding that into a book about these difference problem areas that interfere with any kind of relationships – yes, friendships, but also romantic relationships, workplace relationships, church and community relationships, family relationships, all kinds of relationships! I really wrote this book from a place of “me too” which is what made some of it challenging. It was tough to be vulnerable, especially when writing on topics such as insecurity and envy.
In chapter three, “Overcome Offenses,” you discuss the importance of empathy and grace in lowering your “offense-ometer” (a term of yours I love, by the way!). How can women and men alike in our friendships and romantic relationships learn to be more gracious, understanding of others, and less prone to unhealthy defensiveness?
I am still learning how to do this myself, but one thing I have been working harder on lately is taking a step back. I don’t have to reply to the text or email right away, especially if – at first – it steps on my toes. I try to really see what is being said from the other person’s perspective. This can be a bit more challenging in real time when you are sitting with someone face to face or talking with them on the phone, but there is still an opportunity to ask the other person if they can help you understand their perspective more or to even say you need a little bit of time to think before you respond. Empathy is really about putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. What would you possibly think or feel if you were them? That can go a long way in helping us to become less easily offended.
When in comes to dismissing blame, it seems like there is also the trap of exceeding our appropriate degree of responsibility by internalizing unhealthy self-blame (and false guilt) for things beyond our control. How can we work towards overcoming that tendency as self-conscious, second-guessing believers?
Dr. Laurel Shaler, Wife and Mother
I love this question. There is an activity in counseling called “level of personal responsibility”…in this activity, the individual takes a deep dive into an issue that they feel guilt over and works on determining their actual level of responsibility. A popular TV show right now is “This Is Us.” It’s no secret that one of the beloved characters died in a house fire in the 1990s. HIs daughter feels immense guilt because they were all out of the home safe when he went back in for her pet. He later died. Is Kate – who was a teenager at the time – truly responsible for her father’s death? Of course not! But so often we are like her. We take on guilt that does not belong to us. Never the less, there are times when we are guilty. In those instances, Believers need to remember and apply 1 John 1:9. We need to repent of our sin and accept forgiveness that Christ offers.
Your sage cautionary advise regarding the use of Social Media, and its potential for negative impact on relationships is so very helpful. What might be some pointers you could share for younger people (i.e., teenagers and/or college students) in their digital (over)connectivity and communication with friends?
Technology is wonderful and challenging. There was a campaign at Liberty a few years ago called “Look Up.” It had to do with the idea that instead of walking around with your face in the phone, look up and greet people as they pass by and make sure you are looking up when you cross the street! But, seriously, establishing margins and boundaries with technology is so important. For example, my iPhone has a feature called “screen time” ad it allows the to establish downtime where I cannot use all of the features on my phone during certain hours. Too many of us are obsessed with our phones and only communicate that way. So, instead of constantly texting or snap chatting, try calling a friend. There are many technology boundaries that we should put in place for our own sanity!
Offering forgiveness and making apologies can represent such a huge hurdle for us as prideful human beings in striving for peace and reconciliation in our relationships. What roles do you see vulnerability and humility playing when it comes to mending emotional hurts and reestablishing trust in the challenging journey of “making up”?
It really can take humbling ourselves to apologize. I think of Jesus describing Himself as humble. This is how I want to be too. I want to care more about my relationships than my own pride. The same is true when it comes to forgiveness. When Peter asked Jesus how many times he should forgive his brother when he sins against him, Jesus told him not 7 times, but 77 times. My pastor says it this way: “Stop counting and keep forgiving.”
Laurel, thanks so much for sharing your heart with us. You’re a blessing to so many people!
To learn more, you may contact Dr. Shaler at drlaurelshaler.com.
I really enjoyed reading this blog by Dr.Fraser discussing Dr.Shaler’s most recent book “Relational Reset”. I gained a small insight about what the book consists of and so far, I am already a big fan. The topics briefly mentioned strike interest to me and if I am able, i might be interested in buying a copy.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts, Tori!
Thank-you, Tori!
Those are some great points! My wife will be interested in reading the book (and I’m sure she’ll be interested in ME reading it too). Loved the part about taking a step back, which is definitely harder in person, but I’m sure is something I need to do more. Empathy is tough too, but you explained it’s need well.
I liked your discussion on being more gracious within difficult interactions. That “offense-ometer” is a great illustration of the awareness that one has in the midst of a potentially volatile disagreement where most people would lash out in retaliation. It is so difficult to have that awareness, control the urge to retaliate, and to redirect one’s internal focus on empathy and understanding. Empathic efforts from one person seem to help both ends of the relationship, which remind of how the concepts from Matthew 5:7 and Matthew 7:12 relate. We choose to treat others how we would want to be treated, which includes extending mercy in hopes that when we need mercy, it will be extended back to us. I look forward to reading your book! Blessings!
Thank-you for sharing the Word of God!
Great thoughts, Mason! Thanks for sharing your insights!
I really enjoyed reading Dr. Fraser’s interview with Dr. Laurel Shaler. Dr. Shaler wrote the book to benefit an individual who wants to identify problems in their relationship and rebuild the relationship by creating new healthy habits. As humans, we all create relationships with other individuals, and I believe that it is always beneficial to gain information on how to develop those relationships to become healthier and stable. Through this interview, readers are able to get a sneak peek into Shaler’s book and how she has incorporated religious ideas into her book. I believe this book can offer very beneficial advice into a counselor’s perspective on growing a healthy relationship. I am looking forward to reading Dr. Shaler’s book in the future.
I appreciate your thoughtful response, Claire. Thanks!
Thanks,Claire. I hope you are able to read the book.
This interview was so helpful in gaining insight into Dr. Shaler’s book. I appreciate Dr. Fraser’s thoughtful questions that allowed the main purposes of the book and Dr. Shaler’s thoughts to shine. Healthy relationships with one another is one of the most important things that God gives us, and this book talks about how to strengthen those bonds. I love how Dr. Shaler, in this interview, talks about having empathy with one another and how we should take a step back in order to truly understand before we respond. In this fast pace world, we often do not give our relationships the attention they deserve and need to really thrive. I really enjoyed this interview and believe this book can be very beneficial for all people. I hope to read this book in the future.
Thanks, Emily!
I enjoyed this interview and the information it provided about this book. I have personally had some struggles with forming healthy relationships and I feel like this book could potentially be a good resource for me. I think this book could also help prepare me for my future job as a social worker. If I am able to form and maintain healthy relationships in my own life, I may be able to help others do the same more successfully. I appreciate the thoughts shared and discussed in this article!
Thanks, Micah. I am a social worker as well. Best wishes!
The questions articulated by Dr. Fraser were well rounded and thought provoking. I think because of this it gave more insight into Dr. Shaler’s book. The question and answers that resonated with me most were the ones on technology, and “overcoming offenses”. I think I need to implement more purposeful pauses when I’m offended, and try to understand where people are coming from more. Along those lines I completely agree with Dr. Shaler and her thoughts on technology. I love the tips that Dr. Shaler gives in her responses! I hope to read more of her thoughts from her book in the future!
I hope you are able to read more too, Seth! Blessings.
This interview is very interesting, has even inspired me to locate the book. I have been working on developing better friendships and this have motivated me even more. Often times people speak to soon not realizing what or how others feel. I have took the steps of not speaking when upset and having time to gather my thoughts for a response when I’m not so upset. I think her book will help many develop healthier friendships, relationships, as well as better personality within self if read and utilized daily. Just by reading her response to her interview questions have me interested in learning more.
Thanks, Chandra. Best wishes in your future relationships!
I really appreciated the tools provided in this interview. One tool that stood out, is not responding if someone “steps on your toes.” Typically during these times, we are emotionally flooded, which impairs our rational analysis of the situation. This in turn increases the chances of a defensive and unhelpful response, which could hurt the relationship. Being self aware and knowing what situations “step on my toes,” it becomes easier to walk away or ask the “stepper” to help you understand their perspective. Often times, I have found myself jumping to conclusions or attempting to “read” their minds.
I wholeheartedly agree with interviewer, Ryan Fraser, who brings to the blog-light a great read in more ways than one. After reading the interview and perusing Dr. Laurel Shaler’s Relational Reset (2019), I petition for it to be on everyone’s “must-read” list! Although compact in size, it is vastly informative, practical, yet most of all, relevant and relatable. The book contains several profound statements; however, the one I resonate with most is (on page 157) where Dr. Shaler says,”People need one another.”
I want to start by saying, “Wow, great interview!” I’ve gained great insight from this blog with Dr. Laurel Shaler as it relates to relationships. The statement she made about, “Too many of us are obsessed with our phones,” truly convicted me as an individual. It allowed me to understand that instead of utilizing a massive amount of time with technology (cellphone usage) by texting, it is more important to call the person and have a productive conversation which in return can strengthen the relationship. I have been working on building healthy relationships which is why I watch the company (people) that I keep; those relationships can either hinder or help me to grow in life. I always want to help others which in return, brings me joy knowing I was able to assist. In closing, I believe Dr. Shaler’s book, “Relational Reset,” is a great resource to add to my library as it relates to relationships.
After reading this interview, I am excited to read Dr. Shaler’s book! I really enjoyed what Dr. Shaler discussed about technology and enforcing boundaries. My fiancé and I have set boundaries with our technology in our relationship. We put our phones up in order to focus on each other and we ignore the notifications since they are not as important as our relationship. This change has benefited our relationship so much by making us more connected and aware of our priorities. It is so encouraging to see professionals talking and writing about relationships in such a vulnerable way to make it more relatable and achievable for the audience. Thank you so much for your thoughts and insights!
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this blog. I can definitely appreciate Dr. Shaler’s transparency throughout the interview. I feel that with any self-help tactics, it very imperative that people are open and honest. This will drive people to your product because they have experienced a ” me too” moment. I also loved that it was stated that relationships are just as important as our own pride. This is extremely special to me because I feel as Christians that we should treat everyone with love. Strengthening healthy relationships is a duty among those of us that strive for the kingdom of God. Great Interview!
I really liked your point on taking a step back. I often rush into responding and forget to slow down and let things develop. I also notice many other people in my life do this. I think I will encourage them… and myself to think before speaking. I will probably have fewer fights with my grandmother if I do…
As a future MFT student, this interview was very interesting to me. I’m always looking for new ways of looking at and evaluating relationships, seeing as that will be my primary focus in my future career, and this book seems to be a very promising resource for me to read and potentially offer to clients.
I really liked one of the last things Dr. Shaler had to say: “I want to care more about my relationships than my own pride.”This seems to be such an integral part of people today and something that hurts relationships so much. We need to value the trait of humility and learn to take a step back, which was also pointed out in this interview.
Like I said, I’m always on the look out for future books that will help me in my MFT graduate school and career, and this is definitely one of them! I received this from Amazon in the mail yesterday and I’m very excited to crack it open!
I enjoyed the thought provoking questions that you raised Dr. Fraser as well the responses by Dr. Shaler. From the exchange that took place in the interview I am compelled to purchase the book for a more in depth analysis. Far too many times relationships suffer because they are one-sided and we are amiss when it comes to the importance of understanding that everyone is different. We have our own experiences formulated through culture, and familial ties. I could go on and on. All to often we try to change others and may not be aware of the influence we have on the success or failures of relationships. I am interested in reading the book Relational Reset.
I am always looking for a new book to read and I think I just found one! Loved getting to get a small preview of your book through the interview and I hope to get to read the whole book myself! The topic of learning how to get the best out of our relationships is useful to just about anyone – no matter who you are! I just know that the insight given in this book will help me not only as a future counselor but also in my daily life as a friend, daughter, student, etc.
I was so intrigued by this interview and the refreshing attitude that Dr. Shaler presents in her new book. Her perspectives on learning to recognize that we all have blind spots, damaged relationships, and even toxic relationships that can become more positive relationships by learning to reflect and reset them with God’s word as our guide. It’s hard to honestly look at our personal demons and insecurities. Her book offers such good advice on how resetting our relationships by becoming closer to God, and how our relationship with Christ can build our faith stronger, which will in turn help us to heal inside. The one thing in her book that has helped most is the scripture journal. I have many Bible verses that inspire me, comfort me, and bring me closer to my Lord. Having verses that specifically build my faith, my self worth, and self esteem is an amazing tool to growing and healing. Growing up, my mother told me that every problem, every question, every answer, and everything we will ever need to help us get through life, is in the Bible. Dr. Shaler’s book is such a helpful guide to teaching us ways to becoming closer to God, and use his scriptures to build our faith. I especially like the thought provoking questions at the end of the chapters, that lead me towards understanding different ways of handling relationships, and becoming stronger as a woman with Jesus building me up when I need it most.